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But if someone is awkward about holding my hand, chances are that anything more is going to feel strained to me as well. A lot of these details — the small movements, the in between actions — tell me a lot about how comfortable, how free and how open a person is going to physically be with me.

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The other key thing to observe is to do with communication. If anything, this to me is more important than any physical signs. Communicating with our fellow human is never easy, but an unwillingness to try or a real lack of instinct in this department makes sex likely to be a bad time.

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Full stop. But so far, that has never proved effective. This might well be to do with my bigger picture values — I value a deep and open connection, and this is largely emotional or intellectual, before it is physical, for me. But I want to prod this idea of certainty a little.

At the risk of dissolving into solipsism, how can we really ever be sure about anyone? We can never really know what they are thinking.

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It takes a great investment of time and energy to ever really get to know someone properly. At the same time, instincts count for a lot. In reality, sex is for many a vital part of a relationship.

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It often separates a friendship from something more unless of course you are asexual or simply believe in chastity. A strong and meaningful sexual connection or conversely, a terrible one , does tend to move the needle on a relationship and on certainty somewhat. We all need the time to get to know someone, and we all get to know others in different ways.

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